The theme for drop no. 4 is Bantay. This word is a Cebuano word to say “watch out”. As a child, I remember being constantly criticized and closely watched for how I looked, how I walked, how I dressed, and all my mannerisms. I was raised to think that everyone’s looking at your every move, and that everyone will judge you the second you make any mistakes. Everyone is always watching. 

I would hear things like, “Ayaw pag-ingana, di ka mauwaw?”, “Mura kag walay buot”, “Pagtarong oy kay daghan kayg mu judge ana!”, which in order, means “Stop that. Aren’t you ashamed?”, “You act like you have no manners”, and “Everyone is looking and judging”. 

I grew up to realize that because I was talked to this way as a child, I am now hyper aware of what everyone thinks of me. I had to first realize what I was doing, and then years later, I had to actively tell myself every single day that nobody cares, and that nobody caring could sometimes be a good thing. I had to purposefully unlearn the mindset that I have to please or impress even random strangers I do not care about. Now that I am years into my unlearning process, my life and mind feel much better.

While I have moved past those habits, it is hard to keep them away during the worst days. This design is based around being too aware and affected by the people around you. Everyone is watching you. It shows a silenced, brand new me, fingers crossed, and an eye adamantly watching my every move.

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